☕ This is actually required

You don't just get to be friends with Nigel.
There's a whole process now.

Fill out the form. We grab coffee. Nigel decides if you can apply to be friends. It's three steps. People keep acting like it's a million steps. It's three freaking steps.

Apply for Coffee → See Why Coffee First 🤝 Be Friends Instead
The Reasoning

Why coffee comes first.

Three reasons this step exists, in order of how often Nigel has to explain it.

01

Screens for Compatibility

Coffee catches mismatches early, before either side commits to something harder to exit gracefully.

02

Controlled Environment

Coffee shops keep things contained. Nigel cannot suggest a board game, a favor, or a "quick errand" here.

03

Establishes a Paper Trail

For when someone eventually asks "so how did you two actually meet." Now there's an answer.

What to Expect

The deal, in short.

45 minutes. Hard stop. Nigel's got both coffees Decaf permitted, noted Do not bring a board game Come alone You will receive feedback

The board game rule is new. It's because of one person. He knows.

Fine Print

Terms of coffee.

Do I have to let Nigel finish talking before I check my phone? +
Yes. This is monitored informally. But it is monitored.
If we get coffee, does that mean we're friends? +
No. Coffee guarantees coffee. Friendship is a separate decision, made afterward, on Nigel's timeline. Do not ask about the timeline.
Is this a date? +
No. This is a one-on-one prescreening to see if we'd get along as acquaintances. Not a date. Not a group hang. Applicants attempting to skip ahead romantically will be redirected back to this page.
Can I bring someone with me? +
No. Just the two of you. No plus-ones, no wingmen, no "my friend really wants to meet you too." Your friend can fill out their own form.
What if I need to cancel? +
24 hours' notice. Or a reasonable excuse, delivered in person, at a future, unrelated coffee. Yes, that coffee also counts as a coffee.
What happens after the coffee? +
You will receive feedback. That's all we can say at this stage.
“
He watched me stir my coffee for a while and then wrote something down. We're friends now, so it worked.
— Verified Coffee, 2026
Apply

Coffee screening intake.

Fill this out and someone will be in touch. Probably Nigel.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING.
WE CAN'T BE FRIENDS YET.
YOU'RE SCREWING UP THE PROCESS.
FOLLOW. THE. PROCESS.

Incident logged. Someone will be told about this.

but i'm approved

STOP.

There's a whole process. You didn't read any of it. Jumping straight to the form breaks the process.

Okay, let me actually read it

Application received.

Nigel will be in touch via email. Keep your schedule loose.

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